Dear Abby
by The Alien Marauder
Summary: What would a modern day advice columnist say to Juliet?
1. The Letter

Dear Abby: The Letter  
  
Author's Note: This was an English report that I had to do…this only paper that I actually had fun writing. Hope you enjoy it! Please REVIEW!  
  
  
  
Dear Abby,  
  
I am in distress for I am secretly married to my enemy's son, Romeo Montague. Unfortunately, he killed my cousin and the Prince banished Romeo from the city. While I was grieving for my husband, my parents were planning my wedding to a nobleman named Paris, without my consent. When my parents told me about their plans, I begged them not to force me to marry Paris. This was a mistake. My father called me proud and ungrateful. When I tried to reason with him, he threatened to throw me out of the house and to disown me. Luckily, I found your ad, "Advice from the Future" in the October edition of "Verona's Modern Woman." Please help me for I love my spouse and do not wish to marry another person. Answer soon because I am in anguish over my banished Romeo and if you do not provide a suitable answer, I will be forced to kill myself.  
  
1.1  
  
1.2 Juliet Capulet 


	2. The Response

Juliet,  
  
Whoa! Take a chill pill! Your situation can't get any worse than it is at the present time. Did you ever consider the consequences before you and Romeo tied the knot? Now lover-boy is banished and you are engaged to another man. Girl, your situation is hopeless! Lucky for you, you're asking an expert for advice. You'll receive my fee of thirteen dollars and the best advice in the United States of America (That's a country that won't be formed for another couple hundred years.).  
  
First off, your father threatened to throw you out of your house. So why don't you act like a true teen and rebel? If your daddy doesn't see it your way, make him by making a statement, and I don't mean by dying your hair or piercing your nose. Stand up for what you want by walking out of the house! This is the Renaissance, where women are out on their own! So maybe women of the Renaissance aren't working in offices or single-handedly raising families. Perhaps women of your time are collecting art and learning how to play instruments. Become a traveling artist or musician! Pack your bags, leave your family, and go out and see the world. You can find your sweetie and be with him. Sure, you might lose your family, but you'll have your man. Hey, life isn't always fair and decisions come with consequences.  
  
If you are dissatisfied with that solution, try this. Go up to your old man and tell him that while you were praying at St. Peter's Church, God came to you. He knew that you displeased your parents and the only way you could make amends with Him is to become one of his holy servants, a nun. This way, you don't have to marry that other goody two shoes or tell your parents about your secret love life. There's just one glitch, you can't be with your babe because, YOU'RE A NUN! Your day consists of praying, eating, praying, sleeping, praying, cleaning, praying, meditating, praying, gardening, praying, washing, and did I mention praying? If you try to have a "fling" with Romeo, you will have to go to confession 24/7 for the rest of your life. If you get really desperate, you can always tell your parents that God came to you while you were praying in the abbey and told you that you must leave the habit behind and marry an outcast. So it's far fetched, but what do you expect me to do? Wave a magic wand and make things perfect? Honey, I'm a professional, not a magician.  
  
There's just one last thing that's in my mind. Go to the Big Kahuna, the Almighty, THE PRINCE! Tell him all your problems like you would to a shrink and maybe he can bring back your hubby and stop the feuding. Beg him to listen to you and if he agrees, you and Romeo can live "happily ever after," just like in some sappy animated fairy tale that consists of dancing bears and singing mice. If he refuses, well, you're exposing yourself to public shame. But you're young and when you have a couple decades under your belt like me, you'll look back on that experience and laugh. You might also bring shame to your family, but if the Prince allows Romeo to return, hey, you could live with disinheritance, right?  
  
By now, thanks to my incredible advice, you've calmed down and are able to think rationally. No one told you that life was easy and you're not a child anymore. You and Rom, or whatever his name is made an adult decision so you'll both have to make major choices. Major choices don't mean deciding if you'll drink Pepsi or Coke. I mean, now you're going to have to choose coffee or tea and caffeinated or decaffeinated. Soon you will have go food shopping and decide on paper or plastic, which is a major deal. Hello, the world is cruel and harsh, get used to it and make up your mind.  
  
Abby 


End file.
